Okay Apple, why?

Features! Features! Features!

For people who call themselves copywriters, whether direct response folks, or ad copy people or brand specialists or long form content writers like myself — translating features into user benefits has long been the sine qua non of the craft. It is written on titanium tablets: Thou shalt translate features into benefits!

The question is why? Speaking only for myself here, but I would love to drive a stake into the heart of features. And then I want to pull that stake out, and then drive it into the heart of benefits. This features and benefits approach might be just fine for some products; for digital cameras and water filtration systems and home theater systems and weight loss “solutions”.

Three remote controls make it easier to confuse your in-laws and overnight guests! Our weight-loss solutions deliver tasty and fully prepared, previously digested meals delivered to your door every week! Lose weight without ever leaving the house!

I do suppose that features and benefits have their place. But for my money, I know when I’m in features and benefits land because my head starts to hurt. I’ve left the land of human language and entered some strange universe where people talk funny. And when the headline takes me into features and benefits land right off the bat, the very second you have my attention? Forget it. You’ve bored me. Right out of my gourd.

So what am I carrying on about? The iPad 2, of course.

When a transformation is upon you, such as the arrival of iPad 2, talking features and benefits is like taking the escalator straight down to the bargain basement, where stacks of VCR’s are all tangled up with the rabbit ears and the old telephones.

I know, I know. The second one is faster and thinner than the first one. The second one has two cameras. It’s faster than ever — Dual Core A5 — and has better graphics. It’s so light, gorgeous and powerful, it’s unbelievable. The iPad 2 has multiple big time features. So grand is this thing, they’ve SOLD THEM ALL OUT. Don’t bother running down to the Apple store, because they’re gone. They’ve sold a gazillion already.

Do you think they’ve sold a gazillion because iPad 2 is thinner and faster? Perhaps. But I’ll grant you that that’s only part of the reason. What’s the real reason you ask? Here’s the hidden promise: to own iPad 2 is to feel complete as a human being. For millions of people, to not have iPad 2 means something essential is missing from their lives. And who wants that? Not I. Not thou.

So why sell the iPad2 with weak willie words like Thinner, Lighter, Faster, Smart Cover, Face Time, 10 Hour Battery? I have no idea, but it’s clear that the corporate messaging for “2″ was thinner, lighter, etc. But is it also possible that the greatest innovator on the planet won’t take a risk with language?

During the Apple Keynote, when this dream product was introduced, Steve Jobs said, “It’s so light, it almost floats.”

It’s a nice enough headline. Safe and straight from the source.

“iPad 2. SO LIGHT IT ALMOST FLOATS.”

Jobs also talked about how the iPad 2 is helping kids with autism and, that it helps physicians spend more time with patients. During the video that’s posted on the Apple website, one of their software guys says that iPad 2 is “ridiculously fun.” Of course it is. It’s so much fun it’s practically insane.

But is that what Apple says on their website? No, they’re talking thin, fast and battery power. The iPad is the fastest growing product in history. Over 15 million sold and counting. I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Richard, the copy hardly matters. The thing sells itself, dude.” Maybe so. But here’s the thing. Apple takes huge risks. They live to be on the very edge of the leading edge. They innovate like no one else. They act like no one else. They make beautiful like no one else.

But their language? They sound like everyone else.

Their language — at least this time out anyway — is boring and doesn’t speak to, doesn’t capture, the core “revolutionary magic” that is at the heart of this new Apple experience. I know they’re beyond smart over there in Cupertino. But where’s the heart? Where’s the sense of play?

So for what it’s worth, here’s my take below. In the comments section, tell me your favorite and give it a shot yourself. Let me know what you come up with.

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1.

Remember Where You Were When Everything Changed?

iPad 2

Life-changing. Heart-pounding. Magic.

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2.

Head and Heart. Together at Last.

iPad 2

Follow your heart. Or, follow your head.

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3.

Hip Hop, Be Bop, Doo Wop, Rag

iPad 2

Live. Write. Play.

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4.

One Small Step for Pam, a Giant Leap for Pam’s Mom.

iPad 2

Landing everywhere.

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5.

You Complete Me. iComplete You.

iPad 2

Come to the nearest Apple store for a look see.

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6.

Fulfillment.

And then some.

iPad 2

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